Pink Eyed Jim’s Blog

I’ve always had a passionate contempt for most of the shitty movies that fill the theatres in between the actual good stuff. Here’s ten that are now playing, and why I hate them.

Boogey Man
I just wasted two minutes and twenty one seconds of my life watching the trailer for Boogeyman in hopes that I’d hear the goofily spooky children’s nursery rhyme that reminded me of the spooky nursery rhyme from “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and they didn’t play that in the online trailer.
To console myself, I try to think of the millions of people that wasted an hour and twenty-six minutes of their lives actually watching this whole movie.

Pooh’s Heffalump Movie
From Yahoo! Movies:

Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit and the gang from the Hundred Acre Wood go on an adventure in search of the mysterious Heffalump, and they learn important lessons along the way.

Why did Disney decide that they absolutely at all costs HAD to whore out all of their oldest, most memorable characters on a regular basis? And weren’t the Heffalumps from “Dumbo” anyway? Didn’t Dumbo get drunk off his ass (or eat a couple of tabs of LSD) or something and see “Heffalumps and Woozles?” Why must you further drain our youth of all of their artistic discretion Disney?

Son of the Mask

Constantine
As Yahoo! Movies says,

John Constantine (Reeves) is a world-travelling, mage-like misfit who investigates supernatural mysteries and the like, walking a thin line between evil and good. Constantine teams up with a female police detective, Angela (Weisz), who seeks Constantine’s help while investigating the suicide-like death of her twin sister. Does it have something to do with a mysterious group called “The First of the Fallen”? And what is it about Constantine that puts him in a position where he is making deals with representatives from both Heaven and Hell?

Does this plot sound itchingly familiar to you? It should. If you were to have “The Matrix” impregnate “Devil’s Advocate” their child would look something like this. Normally this isn’t that big of a stretch for Hollywood, but to have the same actor play the main character in all three roles? Why, Hollywood, why?
And if you’re really going to ask me to sit through this drivel, the least you could do is give me a peek at Rachel Weisz’s boobies. Damn you, Hollywood.

Racing Stripes
A zebra left behind by a circus is raised by Kentucky horse farmers who happen to live right next door to where the Kentucky Derby is held. The zebra trains to run in the Kentucky Derby and actually gets to race in it!
Even worse, the characters have typical cheap CGI mouths and are voiced by humans such as Frankie Muniz. Why am I constantly bombarded with shit?

In Good Company
Chris Rock said at the Oscars, “If you can’t get a star, just wait.” Well, if who you want is this guy: , and all you can get is Topher Grace, just fucking wait.

The Wedding Date
The Wedding Date, The Wedding Planner, The Wedding Singer, how many already formulaic Romantic Comedies will continue to blatantly show their formulaism by using unoriginal, formulaic titles as well? I mean, come on, can’t you even be bothered to spend 15 minutes thinking of an original title for the script it took you a half an hour to write?

Bride and Prejudice
Now, I’m not actually against this particular movie, but in my ideal world Pride and Prejudice would never have been written and I wouldn’t have had to read that dreck in High School. Naturally, this would mean that Bride and Prejudice could never have been made.
I just had to clear up a little ontology there.

Fat Albert
Cartoons as live action films are always a bad idea, think “Space Jam.” Live action movies rehashed from 70’s cartoons are an even worse idea, think “Scooby Doo.” Add to this the fact that Keenan Thompson plays the title role. Then and only then will you understand the horror that is this film.

Because of Winn-Dixie
Did the supermarket chain pay to have the author of this book name the dog Winn-Dixie in order to endear themselves to millions of Southern Family Values Republicans or what? Sheesh.